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[October 12th, 2007] |
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Situations are irrelevant now.
He loves the way that I tease,
I love the way that he breathes
I love the boys who hate to love because they're just like me.
A certain boy he took my hand and ran it up his thigh.
I liked my lips and pulled his hair, I fall in love for a night
He can't behave and he's just a slave,
don't worry I'll be gone when the morning comes.
Darling what is going on?
Honestly that never happened
Lying is your favorite passion.
Leave me, go where you belong
Higher heels and lipstick napkins
dying is your latest fashion.
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[September 22nd, 2007] |
She pushed him against the dressing room wall, staring into his eyes, her brown pools said things he'd never forget. Her breath and his were one and the way her nails dug into his shoulders made him weak at the knees. He couldn't break free, even if he had wanted to. She shouted at him, "Make me a star, make me eternal." His hands couldn't keep from touching her then, they grabbed her jawbones, framing her delicate face in his power. "You're eternal to me."
(i really enjoy having dreams i wake up and can write about.)
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[September 4th, 2007] |
her small sister, who wasn't so small anymore(she was almost taller than her big sister), was running around the house, her mother on her heels, eager to start her seventh grade year at private school.
for her, however, nothing was different than any other frizzy-haired morning, annoyed with the fact she was having problems with the humidity because of course, today would be the day it would be humid for the first time the entire summer. the story about real estate prices blared on the television above her, she had mastered the art of blocking it out...nothing new. for sale signs in virginia beach were as prominent as her frustrations with young teenage boys and their hormones the past couple months. the last first day of school, ever, for her. it sounded so nice to say. she just wanted to fast forward, but unfortunately, she knew she'd miss too much. fear was surprisingly her biggest problem. fear that something would change too much for her this coming year, something would happen to make her learn an actual lesson. God, help her be strong, help her learn gradually, not all at once...she didn't think her fragile teen angst could handle a shock right before she left for college. but, oh, the joy. oh, the knowing in ten short months, she would escape the seven-five-seven forever. please, for her sanity's sake, let it be quick and painless.
let the anesthesia begin.
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[September 3rd, 2007] |
things always have good and bad sides to them: summer is over in less than twenty four hours, but senior year is here in the same amount of time.
when she thinks about who she really is, she can't seem to place a finger exactly on who her insides really put her out to be. as of right now, she was just the girl you see in the mall every saturday with a tall blonde boy in abercrombie, or exerting more energy into talking about the latest to a group of girls behind her than she is walking. she's just the girl you met in a coffee shop when it was still scarf weather and the chesepeake air longed for snow. she's just the girl you see sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk by the harbor with a cigarette and sketchbook in hand. she's just the girl you laughed at while she danced carelessly somewhere in your house at a party you had when your parents were gone. she's just the girl you've gone to a million shows with, you know through a friend, you've borrowed clothes from, you've had a class with, you've hated, you've loved, you've given a light to, you've told a secret to, you've kissed, you've felt, you've talked about life with, just a girl you've passed on the street.
she figured that pretty much worked for her right now, and a year from today, she won't be the same person as she was in september.
hello fall, bring me a sign.
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[August 31st, 2007] |
windows with wicker shades let light in ever so little and help her face light up in contrast to his sheets that she was wrapped up in like something so small in some vast place that only he could have the road map to. mid-day and movies, why is it that times like these will never make it into out memories that we'll talk about lost in a sea of pillows, laughing at irrelevancy?
'she almost didn't care that the walls were as thin as her guard when he touched her.'
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[August 29th, 2007] |
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music |
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Love&Reverie |
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[August 16th, 2007] |
"i don't know."
"yes you do."
"uhm, can i have the bug spray?"
"yeah."
"thanks."
"audrey. what did you wish for?"
"that i could stay this happy forever."
"you wished that on a meteor?"
"yeah, doesn't that mean it'll come true faster than a shooting star because it's bigger?"
"i don't know."
"what did you wish for?"
"i wished there was some way i could be with you."
"that's cheesy."
"i know."
"big spray."
She rolled over and put her head on his chest, listening the tiny buzzing of grass gnats and his heart beat. Eight hours was a long way away. Further away than she planned on driving to get to college.
"what about God?"
"what about him?"
The church was not full that Sunday. Little old ladies and babies scattered the pews like marbles on a carpet; a carpet that smelled like wood and must. When she sang she missed the way they used to sit underneath the pine tree on campus...their pine tree, and sing songs they all knew by heart. Tomorrow, she'd go to the city.
"i live my life like...like....oh, you go first."
"i don't like talking about myself."
"uh. fine."
"well-"
"i kind of like to think of it like this-everytime i meet someone, i want to affect then in some way, good or bad, so that they always remember me no matter what. i want everyone i meet to walk away with part of me."
She hoped they remembered her, all her family, her friends, forever. She couldn't wait until October, October when they would all be together again. One huge family.
"So, kiss me."
"Why?"
"Distance isn't fun."
"Yeah, I know..."
"So, never regret."
"I can't just..."
"Stop it!"
"Stop what?"
"Growing up. You think too much, you don't talk enough, and your forehead has worry lines and you're 19 years old."
"So, I just stop?"
"Just kiss me"
"You don't think before you leap."
"I guess I have to leave it up to God to give me my wings before I hit the ground then huh?"
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[August 2nd, 2007] |
words can't describe the way that place made me feel.
i'm a completely different person.
thank you.
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[June 21st, 2007] |
hey audrey,
where is your boy tonight?
i hope he is a gentleman, maybe he won't find out what i know.
yeah, i've seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you.
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[June 20th, 2007] |
'She ran her hand over his taught jawline, feeling the west coast and the miles of air that she could fly without a second thought to return to him if he chose to leave her. The nights she spent under him made her heart pound and her toes hang over the edge of oblivion.
She needed to swim in a lost ocean somewhere to understand what he thought and said. it was something so different, making her feel like a small puppy that cocked it's head when being teased with a treat. Her mind worked with a fuzzy turning of gears that screamed at her in different directions, close to what she did alone in the studio in her pointe shoes. Alone with Bach or Chopin, watching herself glide in the mirror; she would selfishly find her muscles and skin attractive, proud of what she saw. If the way she danced was anything like the way his hands glided down her sides, she needed it every night. His discussions were slurred and obscure, but with his reasoning, she was fascinated with the fact that something was so different made her yearn for whatever it was he offered. There was something deep down she wanted to suck out so badly, sokmething she felt like that if she had, she wouldn't feel so empty. Maybe if he had something of hers, he wouldn't feel so empty. She needed some filling of some warmth on her insides the way he held her face and kissed her like her needed her insides. She would reach for him intending on fogging up windows and grasping his shirt as if she would be able to eat his soul out of his mouth. If only she could make it better, make him feel something that he obviously longed to feel. Then again, maybe he had all he needed, and what it was was just under his nose.
She figured that with all the miles and hardtimes he'd stored in cigarette burns and long nights, he knew what he was doing more than she did herself. Maybe it was admiration that she felt when she slowly drifted away on an uncomfortable mattress, his heat warming her back. If she could have swam in that unknown ocean, would she have drowned? Or would she have found some way of a life saver made of scars and strength. She figured she would have drowned, her heart wasn't big enough to hold herself afloat as it was.'
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shotglass_panic's journal
